Voices: Modern Day Romance

Ladies of the new generation, be sure to practice what you preach. As we advance farther and farther into the future and overcome the gender stereotypes of our foremothers, it is not only hypocritical to expect our men to wine and dine us while we sit back and look beautiful for them, pampering their egos - it is counterproductive to our quest.

Perhaps it's not your quest, but an increasing number of men and women are looking to build their heterosexual romantic relationships on the concept of partnership. And true equitable partnership means tossing the gender stereotypes of old into the trash where they belong and truly discovering for yourselves, as two individuals working together to tackle the obstacles of life, which one of you is, gender aside, actually better suited to handle which tasks.

Stepford wives move over. The majority of women are not spending their days waxing the floors and cleaning underneath furniture in between preparing a multi-course meal from scratch before donning enticing lingerie in which to greet their breadwinner at the door come 6 p.m. This is the 21st century and while vagina bearers may only make some eighty cents on the same dollar earned by our penis-carrying counterparts, most households now rely on two incomes. We all enjoy a good meal at the end of the day, but stomachs are just one of many signposts on the pathway to one's heart.

In spite of our ever-changing societal mores, Valentine's Day heralds a cultural slip backwards in time for even the most progressive of men and women. In the dating culture of years past, the man is expected to impresses the woman with a demonstration of his wealth - a.k.a. lots of quality merchandise and an expensive dinner at a fabulous restaurant. If the woman is satisfied with the demonstration, she is then expected to accommodate the sexual intercourse required for the evening to fully meet the criteria of "romantic." It's a barbaric demonstration of sexual politics that despite our resistance on most other days of the year, finds itself justified in the name of love on the lovers' holiday.

Gifts are an appreciated cherry on the top of any holiday and Valentine's Day is no exception, but isn't it time that we take a look at what we are giving and when and why and who it is that's doing the given. Flowers are a beautiful gesture of one's fondness for another at any time of the year and chocolate will always be divine, but clichés are not romantic. And receiving gifts in exchange for sexual favors is not romance, it's glorified prostitution.

It's not that I don't believe in romance or in love and I am just trying to make the whole thing ugly for everyone else. I'm actually very happily married and my husband is as proud of the partnership we have achieved. Proud we are. Perfect we are not. And re-defining romance has not been easy. We have struggled on Valentine's Days and anniversaries and birthdays of years past and while it has gotten easier, it may never become easy.

The first time my partner expressed his wish that I were more romantic I was beside myself. It was only fair, I realized after a few moments, but I didn't know where to begin. Lessons for women on how to be romantic are notorious for tips on how to look beautiful or how to please their man in bed. Men know that a deeper expression of emotion is desired, but they, too, are pioneers.

What does romance look like in the relationship of the future? The only way to discover what gestures will genuinely fulfill our partners is to live every day with open eyes and ears, an open heart and a brave lack of fear. There is no formula. Like the new relationship itself, the nature of romance in the 21st century is determined not by societal clichés or the lords of marketing, but by the specific needs and desires of our individual loved ones. The more creative, joyful, spontaneous, and tuned-in the gestures we make, the greater the pleasure we can bring our spouses and lovers and the better we can prove our respect and admiration. These gestures may include gifts and they may include physical love, but they will be uniquely ours.

They will be discovered together and they will be priceless.

--alicia grega-pikul, 14 February 2002