Voices: Maternal Toast

I've got issues.

Go ahead and laugh. My best friends are the first to poke

fun.

I'm a single working mother with a big mind and an even bigger mouth and I don't have the patience to wait around for someone else to change the world.

I could have written 10 columns this mother's day. In my mind, I did. Here's a highlight from each one.

*If every CEO had to drop what he was doing every work day at 2:30 p.m. to go pick up his kids from school, the world would be a much different place

*When you look at the mother of your children, do you still see the woman you fell in love with? Don't just say it; show it. Treat her the way you did before she said yes. Hold her like you did on that day you were scared she might get away.

*The Breeders saw it on the wall in "No Aloha" (Last Splash) - "Motherhood means mental freeze." This lyric haunted me through my first pregnancy. I was terrified it might be true. It's not. Respect your mother's intelligence with a subscription to a woman's magazine with substance. Bust is my favorite, but I also recommend Brain, Child: The Magazine for Thinking Mothers, The Philosophical Mother, Hip Mama, and (on-line only) The Imperfect Parentand The Mother's Movement.

* My kids are awesome so it's no wonder people keep making the offer. "If you get stuck sometime let me know. I'd love to hang out with your kids." Rarely, however, do they, or I, follow through. It's really too bad because the kids could probably use the positive attention as much as mom could use some time alone. The redeemable certificate may sound like a cheesy idea, but it works. Give her that afternoon or evening of babysitting in writing .

*Save the Children's 's "State of the World's Mothers 2004" report ranks the United States 10th on a list of 119 countries for the status of our mothers well being. Coming out ahead are Sweden, Denmark, Finland, Austria, Netherlands, Norway, Australia, Canada, and the United Kingdom. Bring this information to the attention of all your political representatives. Ask them why the United States has the highest adolescent birth rate in the industrialized world. Remind them that teen pregnancy costs taxpayers about $7 billion a year .

*When I was a kid I prided myself on being able to make my mom cry - the right kind of tears - with a card. Not one from a store, but that real handmade kind. Dig as deep as you have to strike the oil of unrequited love and genuine appreciation and put it on paper with your own hand. Save that jar of pennies, kids - the best things in life really are free.

*On the other hand, you might be better off forking over a little dough. Breakfast in bed is sweet - not having to get out of bed all day might be just what the doctor ordered - but that doesn't mean she wants to eat burnt toast and salmonella-spiced eggs. Don't make her feel like she'd be better off if she just did it herself. If you can't make something super yummy, let a professional do it or switch to plan B.

*Mature women are sexier than pre-teens and she looks even better now than she did before she had the kids. If that sentence isn't true it's time to make it so. Arousal starts in the mind and works its way down. Pump up the confidence and communication before turning to Avenavin and Therafem. You can't feel sexy until you stop feeling shame. Watch some '50s Burlesque films together (e.g. Something Weird Video's "Best of Burlesque") - retro strip tease is hardly threatening, potentially empowering, and actually very hip right now. Or order a catalog from a woman-centered sex shop like Toys in Babeland and page through it together. Point and laugh and talk about all the things you would or wouldn't try. Finally, don't be too proud to give her what she really wants. If it's oral reading that turns her on, crack a book and learn to love the sound of your own voice. She is more important than your ego, isn't she?

*The gift mom really needs is permission to be selfish. Sure, she may break down and buy those new shoes or a pampering beauty cream, but when was the last time she did it without feeling guilty? Don't even let her start to justify herself. Cut her off and insist she love herself as much as she loves you.



-- alicia grega-pikul, 6 May 2004

Send e-mail to: apikul@timesshamrock.com