VOICES: Tragically Hip

Are you deck or fin?

Do you really care?

If you understood the first question, you've either read Robert Lanham's The Hipster Handbook , or you're deck whether you like it or not.

If you can honestly answer "no" to the second question, then you just might be an authentic non-conformist. I want to answer "no" to the second question, but I have to first admit that there's a part of me that is, if nothing else, curious. It's the part of me that took Lanham's on-line "Are You a Hipster" quiz in spite of myself.

Yeah, I could probably get away with labeling it curiosity. The truth is, however, that I am being influenced by this material, even if only on a subconscious level. I've shopped at thrift stores for the past 15 years, but my selections often inspired by what I had glimpsed in fashion magazines. "Underneath their apparent individualism, Hipsters conform just like everyone else," proclaims Robert Lantham.

Also the editor and creator of the "cutting edge" on-line publication FreeWilliamsburg , Lantham defines a hipster as "one who possesses tastes, social attitudes, and opinions deemed cool by the cool." Except that hipsters don't say "cool" anymore than they say "groady" or "groovy." The word is "deck," people. Got it?

Perhaps because I share the hipster's inclination toward irony worship, I found it incredibly amusing that Lantham describes his on-going publication as "cutting edge." I declared that term fin months ago after interviewing a hairstylist who told me he gave "cutting edge haircuts." I laughed and then I realized this term used to describe the newest, groundbreaking trends was, ironically, stuck in the '80s.

Yeah, "cutting edge" was almost as amusing as the Non-Hipster Handbook glossary which led me to Latham's work in the first place.

Created by Jack Szewgold, the artist responsible for the inspired The Royal Journal of Found Art , this parody of The Hipster Handbook can be found at www.100dogs.com. It's a much funnier read than its source material, perhaps because it's purpose is clear. While I hope that The Hipster Handbook is at least partially ridiculing the subculture it appears to take so seriously, I'm just not sure. I prefer to think such handbooks are being read solely for their entertainment value, but let's be realistic. A majority of Americans has proven itself incapable of independent thought. A good portion of these people were probably seeking a foolproof social plan to guide them through life.

I wondered what other handbooks were available to the identity-impaired consumer.

According to Amazon, people who bought The Hipster Handbook also bought The Official Preppy Handbook. Opting not to barf, I quickly passed by this passé option. There was Swell: A Girl's Guide to the Good Life by Cynthia Rowley, but doesn't she have a product line at Target now? That can't possibly be cool (Oops. I mean, deck.) One glance at Rowley's book cover confirmed that suspicion - it's as colorfully striped as the designer sheets.

Cameron Tuttle's The Bad Girl's Guides seem spirited enough, but the accessories line (a journal, engagement calendar, little pink address book, postcard collection, and faux-purse photo album) was just taking things too far. Empowering women is a good thing, but "badness" cannot be learned. That compulsion to break the rules and to not give a damn about your bad reputation is simply innate. You've either got it or you don't.

Kiss My Tiara: How to Rule the World As a Smartmouth Goddess by Susan Jane Gilman sounded promising, but this gender segregation was bothersome. At least hipsters came in both genders. Finally I discovered Pagan Kennedy's Living: A Handbook for Maturing Hipsters. Geared toward Gen X'ers like myself, the zine publisher's guide might be my only option.

But it's not. There are many things to legitimately fear in this life. Being one's honest self -deck or fin - should not be one of them. Only you can prevent "hip"ocrasy.

-- alicia grega-pikul, 13 March 2003